Posts Tagged 'winter'

The National Weather Service has Issued a SantaCon Warning for Your Area

Hazardous Event Outlook

National Weather Service New York NY


Data taken from the SantaCon website by the NWS indicates the formation of a strong and extremely annoying SantaCon this weekend.  A system of drunk individuals from Long Island is expected to converge with an area of Bros heading northward along the New Jersey coast this Saturday at 10am.  The event is expected to begin in Midtown Manhattan and move slowly downtown as the day progresses.  We do not know the exact path as the GFS and the European model show differing possibilities and the SantaCon website has yet to release it’s final map.  It is recommended that individuals living below 50th St. begin preparedness actions now.


This event is expected to bring large crowds of costumed bros, assholes, basic bitches, and drunken bridge and tunnel jerks to the Manhattan area. There is likely to be an increased quantity of urine and vomit in the streets as well as large groups of insufferable and intoxicated individuals in bars and on public transit.  Sidewalks in effected areas may be inundated and difficult to traverse. Visibility may be reduced to a sea of red and white hats in some areas. The first impacts will be seen on Saturday morning as the first Santas begin to arrive on the LIRR and will likely last into the evening.


This SantaCon will arrive on Saturday morning, the time to prepare is now.

  • Stock up on emergency supplies.  Have enough food, coffee and beer for at least one full day as going outside will be dangerous if not completely intolerable. Seamless deliveries will likely be delayed and you should tip extra.
  • If you live on a low floor near the front of a building, make sure you have a good pair of noise canceling headphones for each member of your family.  This will help to drown out the drunken yelling of idiots outside your window.
  • Do not travel or leave your home unless you absolutely must. Staying inside, with your doors and windows tightly shut is the safest place to be.
  • Turn around don’t drown. If you see a torrent of Santas coming your way, turn around.  Any Santa taller than 4ft is enough to annoy the crap out of you.  Three or more Santas are enough to completely derail the afternoon of a grown man.



Dear Winter, It’s Over

Illustration by Luke Mosher

Illustration by Luke Mosher

Dear Winter,

I hate that I have to write this but it seems that there is some confusion in your mind and I want to make one thing absolutely clear: we are OVER. I thought that we already had this talk. I thought you got the message. I thought we had agreed to move on with our lives. It appears you did not get the message.

I know I said we could still be friends and maybe that was my mistake. The situation we have right now is not working; you aren’t giving me the space I need. You’re waiting outside my apartment every morning, you bother me at work and even tried to hang out with me while I was out of town visiting my parents over the weekend. None of this is okay! And that snowstorm you gave me on Friday; not cool. Yes, there was a time (December) when I would have found it sweet, beautiful, romantic even, but to do it now is completely inappropriate. I don’t understand why you can’t see that. You need to let go. I HAVE MOVED ON.

Don’t get me wrong, you’re a great season. Lot’s of people really like you and there were a lot of things I really liked about you in the beginning. I was instantly attracted to your warm cozy sweaters, your hot coco, your sledding, your sparkling icy trees and your soft fresh blankets of snow. It was magical at first but eventually I realized that I didn’t really love you, I loved the idea of you. It was only fair to the both of us to end things when it obviously wasn’t working out. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you for you.

I honestly wish you the best and I truly hope you find some happiness. Maybe someday we will be able to be friends again, but not now. Please stop trying to win me back and please do not attempt to contact me again.

Goodbye and Good Luck,