Corinne for the Win

[This isn’t one of those fun posts.  Trigger warning if you struggle with suicidal ideation.]

Celebrity suicides are always sad but when you struggle with depression yourself it takes on a whole new layer. It’s hard to hear the news.  It’s hard to process.  That person was one of us, they were fighting the same fight we are and they lost. They didn’t make it.  Even if they were successful and wealthy and had all the things we think we want, they still lost that fight.

It reminds us that depression as a disease that can me fatal.  It’s hard to look at it that way.  It’s hard to look at yourself and say, “I have a disease that has no cure and it can kill me.” It’s terrifying.

People who don’t have severe depression don’t really understand.  As The Bloggess is fond of saying, DEPRESSION LIES. Those lies are deep and they are painful and when you are struggling you can’t tell the difference between the lies your depression tells you and the truth. Its hard to understand how difficult this is if you’ve never experienced it. Depression tells you that you are a burden, that you are worthless, that the people who love you do it only out of pity or stupidity, that they’d be better off without you.

Celebrity suicides also expose another side of depression’s lies.  The part that tells you it isn’t a disease, that you just haven’t done enough.  If only you just get that book published or make that film or start that charity or get that promotion you would feel better.  You aren’t unhappy because you are sick, you are unhappy because you aren’t good enough.  You don’t need to get help, you need to work harder.  So instead of going to therapy you spend your time writing or drawing or staying late at the office. And you get sicker.  And even if you do accomplish the thing, your one dream, you discover that it isn’t good enough.  Not enough people buy your book or watch your show and those people on the internet may be right.  WHAT IF I AM STILL WORTHLESS?

Right now I’m ok.  I’m very lucky.  I have a strong group of friends and family to support me and from what I’ve learned in therapy I am usually able to see the lies for what they are.  It’s hard. It’s a struggle. Every day.  And I hate to hear about someone who lost the fight.  Because I get it.  I understand it, way WAY more than I’m comfortable with.

If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. Call 1-800-273-8255 or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org to chat live.