Archive for March, 2015

Dear Winter, It’s Over

Illustration by Luke Mosher

Illustration by Luke Mosher

Dear Winter,

I hate that I have to write this but it seems that there is some confusion in your mind and I want to make one thing absolutely clear: we are OVER. I thought that we already had this talk. I thought you got the message. I thought we had agreed to move on with our lives. It appears you did not get the message.

I know I said we could still be friends and maybe that was my mistake. The situation we have right now is not working; you aren’t giving me the space I need. You’re waiting outside my apartment every morning, you bother me at work and even tried to hang out with me while I was out of town visiting my parents over the weekend. None of this is okay! And that snowstorm you gave me on Friday; not cool. Yes, there was a time (December) when I would have found it sweet, beautiful, romantic even, but to do it now is completely inappropriate. I don’t understand why you can’t see that. You need to let go. I HAVE MOVED ON.

Don’t get me wrong, you’re a great season. Lot’s of people really like you and there were a lot of things I really liked about you in the beginning. I was instantly attracted to your warm cozy sweaters, your hot coco, your sledding, your sparkling icy trees and your soft fresh blankets of snow. It was magical at first but eventually I realized that I didn’t really love you, I loved the idea of you. It was only fair to the both of us to end things when it obviously wasn’t working out. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you for you.

I honestly wish you the best and I truly hope you find some happiness. Maybe someday we will be able to be friends again, but not now. Please stop trying to win me back and please do not attempt to contact me again.

Goodbye and Good Luck,

Corinne

Oh Dear God, Am I an ADULT Now?

I recently turned 25 and, according to all the crap my friends of a similar age post on Facebook, there are two important things you are supposed to do around that time. The first is to freak out and the second is to write lists about turning 25 and all the things you should have done by now, or should start doing or should definitely stop doing and then post the lists on the internet so 24-year-olds who haven’t reached their insightful list-making phase yet can share them on social media and say “OMG so true…” Not wanting to feel left out, I made a list of my own.  I’ve noticed that when you get to be my age certain things start to change and you begin to have these bizarre and terrifying moments when you start acting all adulty. You know it’s right but it feels so wrong. So here is a list of recent moments that made me think “Oh God! I’m an adult.”

1. When I meet new people we often ask each other what we do for a living. Like our jobs. Not our major or our weird hobbies. We all have jobs now. Real jobs.

2. I make a really big deal about going to bed on time.

3. My mom bought me an electric hand mixer for my birthday because I had mentioned that I needed one. When I thanked her for it over the phone she said that she felt bad since it was such an unexciting and practical gift. I explained that this did not count as practical since I would only use it to make utterly frivolous food like cake and not the nutritious dinners I usually cook.

4.  One of the top things on the list of “stuff I would get if I got a bunch of extra money” is a better vacuum cleaner.

5. I watch Jeopardy on a fairly regular basis.

6. I didn’t even have to Google how to spell Jeopardy.

7. While visiting my parents I realized that my loft bed, though cool, is really uncomfortable and makes my back hurt. I’d rather have a real bed now.

8. Certain kinds of candy taste too sweet to me now.

9. I drink almost exclusively water unless I’m giving myself a little treat in which case I drink herbal tea.

10. Sometimes I see people in TV commercials who I feel like are probably celebrities to the kids these days but I have no idea who they are.

11. I had to Google what the hell “fleek” was.

12. I made a spreadsheet to keep track of all my monthly expenses.

13. I hang out socially with people over the age of 30.

14. My LITTLE brother turns 21 this May.

15. I own more than one blazer.

16. I wear heels more often than sneakers now.

When to Unfriend

Sometimes I’m on Facebook and I realize that I should probably whittle down my friends list a bit. I mean how many of these people do I actually communicate with on anything like a regular basis? How many of them are actually even friends? I don’t “friend” anyone who I don’t know in real life but do I really need to keep track of that dude I met for like 5 minutes this one time in college and we’ve literally never spoken since? I don’t know that guy. And I’m pretty sure that guy doesn’t have any clue who I am.

I feel like the cut-off should be this: If I saw this person in real life, would I go talk to him/her or would I hide and avoid eye contact because I’m pretty sure they’ve forgotten I exist and we haven’t talked in years. If it’s the second thing I feel like they should probably get the axe.

But then I get the weirdest feeling…. If I delete these people, I’m really deleting them. Chances are that unfriending them means I’ll never see these people again, they would be 100% out of my life. I could even forget them completely if, as in most of these cases, I didn’t know them that well in the first place. In my mind they will have completely ceased to exist. I’LL HAVE REMOVED AN ENTIRE PERSON FROM MY BRAIN! What if I’m wrong? I can’t handle that kind of power!  What if we were always meant to be friends but now I messed everything up? What if they find out that I deleted them and feel sad? What if I feel sad but I can’t even remember why? What if they get a really adorable cat and I never get to see pictures of it? THERE ARE JUST SO MANY WAYS THIS CAN GO WRONG!

So in the end I almost always decide to keep them around and just wait until a day comes when I feel like playing God.


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