Corinne for the Win

Hazardous Event Outlook

National Weather Service New York NY

FORCAST SUMMARY

Data taken from the SantaCon website by the NWS indicates the formation of a strong and extremely annoying SantaCon this weekend.  A system of drunk individuals from Long Island is expected to converge with an area of Bros heading northward along the New Jersey coast this Saturday at 10am.  The event is expected to begin in Midtown Manhattan and move slowly downtown as the day progresses.  We do not know the exact path as the GFS and the European model show differing possibilities and the SantaCon website has yet to release it’s final map.  It is recommended that individuals living below 50th St. begin preparedness actions now.

IMPACTS

This event is expected to bring large crowds of costumed bros, assholes, basic bitches, and drunken bridge and tunnel jerks to the Manhattan area. There is likely to be an increased quantity of urine and vomit in the streets as well as large groups of insufferable and intoxicated individuals in bars and on public transit.  Sidewalks in effected areas may be inundated and difficult to traverse. Visibility may be reduced to a sea of red and white hats in some areas. The first impacts will be seen on Saturday morning as the first Santas begin to arrive on the LIRR and will likely last into the evening.

PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS

This SantaCon will arrive on Saturday morning, the time to prepare is now.

• Stock up on emergency supplies.  Have enough food, coffee and beer for at least one full day as going outside will be dangerous if not completely intolerable. Seamless deliveries will likely be delayed and you should tip extra.
• If you live on a low floor near the front of a building, make sure you have a good pair of noise canceling headphones for each member of your family.  This will help to drown out the drunken yelling of idiots outside your window.
• Do not travel or leave your home unless you absolutely must. Staying inside, with your doors and windows tightly shut is the safest place to be.
• Turn around don’t drown. If you see a torrent of Santas coming your way, turn around.  Any Santa taller than 4ft is enough to annoy the crap out of you.  Three or more Santas are enough to completely derail the afternoon of a grown man.