Corinne for the Win

I’ve been applying to jobs lately and each time a write a professional sounding cover letter in an attempt to indicate that I am qualified for the job in question.  I’m not sure anyone is actually reading them.  The following is what I actually want to write.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am interested in the receptionist/assistant/PA/casting/editing job. WAIT STOP!!!!! I KNOW YOU’RE ABOUT TO STOP READING AT THIS POINT BUT DON’T! I’M ABOUT TO WOW YOU WITH MY MAGNIFICENT ARRAY OF SKILLS THAT MAKE ME TOTALLY PERFECT FOR THIS JOB! Ok, so “magnificent” may be slightly overstating things a bit but I assure you I’m completely qualified for this job so please just hear me out for like two minutes.

You need phones answered? I can do that! I’ll be all professional and everything. Same goes for greeting clients. I’ll make them feel right at home with my winning smile and charming personality.

You need stuff organized? I am so organized! I color-code everything, I’m in love with my google calendar and my boyfriend thinks I have OCD.  But I assure you it’s not real OCD, it’s just that I’m so organized he doesn’t think its even possible.

You want stuff edited? I know my way around Final Cut 7.  The people I currently edit for are totally happy with what I do and you will be too.  Invite me in for an interview and I’ll give you their phone numbers and they can tell you that I’m awesome to work with.

Need Social Media? Bitch please, I’m a millennial for gods sakes. I was using social media back when Xanga was a thing.

Research?  I am so awesome at research that my friends and family joke that I should have become a private investigator instead of doing this. Everyone knows that if you can’t find something you ask me because I will track it down.  Images of pound notes that would have been in use around the time of the American Revolution- FOUND IT!  The artist and title of a song that wasn’t in English from the video of a concert preformed in the 70’s- FOUND IT!  I’m not even making that stuff up, those are real examples.

Need other stuff done? I can do it! Even if I don’t know how to do it I’ll totally learn how. Probably pretty quickly too.

So as you can see it is clearly worth at least bringing me in for an interview. I fit all the qualifications and more! I promise you’ll like me even better in person. PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE, I REALLY NEED A JOB!

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,

Corinne Willett

NO SERIOUSLY PLEASE CALL!